This post has had a long time coming. I think the reason that I have waited so long to post it is because it is very personal, and I feel that I am really putting myself out there by telling the honest truth about some of my back story. I knew today was the day I had to get it all out when it was all I could think about writing when I was at the gym. I’m hoping that by getting it out it will help my readers to better connect with me and my struggles with weight loss, and maybe even help someone else who has had the same issues. So here goes nothing.
I remember like it was yesterday the first time I noticed I had a problem with secret binge eating. I was fifteen years old. There was a church youth group meeting at my home and my dad had bought 3 dozen glazed donuts. The family was not allowed to eat them until after the youth group had all had one. Whenever anyone told me I couldn’t do something it was all I could think about. I hid at the top of the stairs waiting until there was nobody in the kitchen and then made a quick move for the donuts. I grabbed one and then hauled butt back up the stairs into my bathroom and stuffed that donut in my mouth and down my throat so fast that I didn’t even taste it. I felt a rush, I don’t even know how to explain the feeling that I was having, it was like a drug. I repeated this process 5 more times until I had eaten half a dozen donuts. Each time I stuffed the donut in so fast that I wasn’t really even tasting the food as it was sliding down my esophagus. I went down to the living room feeling sick and acting like nothing happened. I even ate one more donut when the refreshments were starting to be passed out.
This type of eating followed me for a few years until I ended up weighing 262 pounds. I was working in retail going to college and was supposed to be having the typical college life experience, but I felt fat, ugly, and had a permanent label of the funny fat friend. I was tired of feeling like this and knew that I had to make some drastic changes. A woman who I worked with was very into fitness, and looking back she had definite signs of an ED, but I was so desperate I hung on every word she said. I had recently moved across the street from the gym and had started going regularly. I started doing Weight Watchers on my own, and quit drinking Diet Coke. After making some healthier decisions I had lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks. My body was responding well to the changes I had been making, but I wanted more. It was addicting and all I could think about. I started working out longer at the gym and eating less and less points. I was losing 3-5 pounds a week, but I still wasn’t satisfied. I spoke to the woman at work about my results and if she had any advice for me and she told me that I should start taking a certain diet supplement that was meant for energy and would help me work out harder. I immediately went out and bought the supplement and started taking it the second I got home.
I won’t name the supplement since it is still on the market today (minus the active ingredient), but the active ingredient was Ephedra, a chemical that I should have done my research on. I took the minimum amount suggested and was amazed to see that I actually had to FORCE myself to eat! A sensation that I had never felt. I could go days on nothing but a granola bar and gallons of water. I NEVER FELT HUNGRY. I could go to the gym and do cardio with no problems and I was losing between 6-8 pounds a week. I was amazed! I had never been able to lose weight like this before! I was hooked.
I lost 90 pounds in less than 5 months and I remember that my lightest weigh in was 172 pounds. I was surviving on a tortilla shell dipped in some spaghetti sauce and a can of slim fast. My stomach would cramp up if I started to laugh, I got insane charlie horses when I was trying to sleep. I say “trying” to sleep because Ephedra got me so amped that I couldn’t sleep at night. I started taking a sleep aid at night so that I could shut off my brain, which in turn had me taking double the dosage of the supplement to get me awake in the morning.
I had to go shopping for new clothes because my old clothes were literally FALLING off me. I racked up 3 credit cards and got myself into debt that I had to carry around for another 3 years. My hair was starting to thin and I would get handful’s in the shower. I died it darker to mask that it was falling out and styled it curly to make it look thicker. The only time I would eat an actual meal was on Sunday when I had dinner with my family. I was sick. I was thin. Why wasn’t I happy?
I decided when I was 22 that I had an issue with extreme eating on both sides of the spectrum. Either I was eating way too much, or eating way too little. I wanted the cycle to stop. I tried to start eating healthy and started dating my now husband. He made me happy, and my weight showed it. I had messed up my body so badly that it is now hard to lose weight without being almost perfect with my eating and exercise routine.
My point of this post is that there are no short-cuts. There is no magic pill. There is no quick fix solution. The only solution is hard work and dedication. It has taken me a LONG time to learn this. And although I have had a lot of days of frustration, knowing that I am doing it the right and healthy way, helps me sleep better at night. I will always struggle with this issue whether I am a healthy weight or not, but I know I have it in me to fight to be healthy.
if you made it through this novel, thank you for reading. If you were to only read one post from my blog, I would have it be this one. We all deserve to be healthy the right way.